fearroyo on Modernity, Spectatorship, and Power

When I enter a department store, I often approach the closets cashier and ask “May I be about the store with my backpack on, or may I please leave it somewhere safe while I shop around?” Often with a response that gives me a long stare and a subtle yes, or no. I figure I may as well ease the suspicions of the store employees before proceeding further into the store in mind. I feel as though I’m on watch, not by the surveillance equipment, but by a group of eyes that move about the department store. Before I push a cart across an aisle, I meet an individual approaching from the opposite end. The encounter occasionally ends with the oncoming individual making a quick turn-around and avoiding my presence all together. I usually walk through a department store or a grocer in a systematic manner, pinpointing an aisle to one end of the store and moving through the aisles in a snake-like fashion. Consciously aware of the people keeping an eye on my movements from the corner of my eyes, perhaps its paranoia or perhaps the thought of being watched is most prevalent when I am not wearing my UC Davis sweater in public. “The gaze” from the hidden audience makes the sides of my face tingle with a burning sensation that draws my attention to look in the general direction of the sensation, but I willfully refuse to look; fighting against my intuitive feelings that I’m being watched by the patrons of the store. These feelings of insecurity are common and I try my best to nonchalantly pass them off as paranoia, yet I am unable to overcome the tingling sensation on my face from the “gazers” stares.

Now turning the gaze upon myself, I can see a severely shy young man with a very low wispy voice make an attempt to call the attentive cashier’s attention as the cashier is processing a patron’s groceries. The individual that is myself is holding his backpack by the single strap that his arm is through while the unoccupied arm is covering the hand on top of the backpack strap. The individual or rather the hero (such as the two young men in the McDonald’s commercial screened were dubbed heroes for their persistent efforts to overcome their hardships in adjusting to a new school system from the “Production Notes” screening) is finally able to summon enough audacity and voice to call the cashier’s attention long enough to ask his question. The cashier normally allows the hero to move along with his bag within the store, as the hero walks further and further into the store, he becomes significantly stiffer in his walk and manner of moving. The hero walks along with precise and mechanical movements, almost as though this young individual suffers from a joint-related condition that affects fluid movement. As he walks along the aisles, he is dreadful to lift up his head, when he does he finds the closest piece of surveillance equipment and sighs slightly in relief. Yet as the hero progresses, he is notably disturbed, he realizes he has been constantly watched, by eyes that permeate throughout the aisles of the store. The structure of the store is configured in an almost panopticon manner, the hero weary of what is behind the aisle wall he faces and who, or what may be around the corner as he progresses through his shopping. As he moves along the store, he catches a glimpse of them, and as soon as the hero catches sight of one to make any distinguished observations about the individual’s overall appearance, the surveillant-individual disappears back into the aisles under the stronghold of the walls of consumer products. As the hero nears the end of his journey, he realizes his movements become fluid again and his breath eases in tension before bidding a final thank you to the cashier who processes his groceries. The hero leaves the store with the forethought to bring his UC Davis sweater into the same store another time and remain observant to their ever-present onlookers that are in constant monitoring of the hero.